


Unsainted

by acrossthecosmos



Category: The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dark Alina Starkov, F/M, Fucked Up, Power Dynamics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-25
Packaged: 2021-01-29 08:03:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21406900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acrossthecosmos/pseuds/acrossthecosmos
Summary: In which Alina does not head Baghra's warnings and returns to her chambers rather than fleeing the palace.
Relationships: The Darkling | Aleksander Morozova/Alina Starkov
Comments: 15
Kudos: 81





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, I like some of the themes and characters in this book series, but the writing kind of falls off sometimes. i never understood why the writer of these books had Alina fight for Ravka when King Alexander III is a piece of shit. I kind of wanted to see Alina continue her life and find her own path outside of Mal. So, I threw this together.

_ “Go now girl. Be quick and take care.” _

I was supposed to run. I was supposed to have left the Grisha and the Darkling far behind me. I was supposed to be in the woods somewhere, running for my life. Baghra had some vision that I could save the world from her son, the Darkling. I was supposed to be some savior of Ravka. I was supposed to protect the king. But, as I stepped away from Baghra, I had thought of who I’m supposed to be saving. I thought of Genya who is forced to give herself to the king and is looked down upon by his jealous queen. I cannot in good faith fight for a man that could hurt the first woman I’ve ever considered a friend. 

I set the pack Baghra gave me onto my bed. I don’t know how long I can survive on my own while being hunted by the Grisha I have come to know as friends. There’s the thought that maybe I should just do as I’m told and no longer ask questions. But, I remember what it was like to repress my power. I remember how it made me frail and ill. I cannot do that to my emotions and live with a weight pushing against my heart and mind. 

I lay back on my bed and spread my arms out as I look up to the canopy. I think that maybe I can run off with Mal. I try to find that space in my heart that rushes with joy at the very thought of him. I had loved him once, but I can’t seem to feel what I had once felt. I search for that head rush that I used to feel when Mal would touch my shoulder or brush a strand of hair from my face. It’s just _ gone_. Too much has changed now. That life I once led before I became Grisha is too far from me now. I hardly remember what it felt to be _ in love _ with Mal. Maybe I never was in love. Maybe it was just a stupid crush.

I sit up and hug my knees. I rest my head on the top of my knees as my mind seems to run in circles. That familiar tug flutters through my heart, and I realize that it’s not for Mal anymore. I’ve truly fallen for the Darkling. I place my head in my hands. Baghra wants me to go to war with her son, the very same man I’ve fallen in love with. She wants me to fight a war against the man I love and the friends I’ve grown close to for a king I despise. 

I realize the position that Genya has been placed in. I see the power that’s been used against her and I recognize what it is. It's abuse. If I fight for King Alexander III, I fight for a man that has used his power to demand sexual favors from a woman that would otherwise say no. If I fight for the king, I fight for a rapist. No man should be allowed to exploit his power like that. I wish I could kill him. I wish I could set Genya free so she can be with David. But, I can’t. I’m not strong enough. 

But, the Darkling is. 

_ No, this is crazy_, I tell myself. I know what I’m thinking. Baghra will disapprove. This is not what she wanted. _ She’s protecting Alexander III_. That thought crosses my mind, and I become angry with her for even daring to defend him. I grit my teeth as I think of Genya. The Darkling needs me to remove Alexander III from power. I can help him. I can save Genya.

A knock on my door startles me from my thoughts. It takes me a moment to collect my thoughts. I draw in a deep breath and climb out of my bed. I walk to the door and open it. My heart bangs against my chest like a war drum when I see the Darkling on the other side. I didn’t think he would come. Baghra thought me stupid to believe that he would visit me, but here he is right in front of me.

The Darkling steps inside the room. I close the door behind him. His eyes fall to my pack on the bed. There’s a deafening silence that hovers in the room. I can practically feel the disappointment radiating off of him. He turns to face me. My eyes fall to the floor and I can feel a pang of guilt. 

“Baghra told me everything,” I finally say.

“And?” his voice is as cold as a block of ice.

“I couldn’t bring myself to leave,” I manage to look up into his smoky gray eyes. Emotion starts to overwhelm me and I take a single step forward. “I don’t want to be your enemy. I won’t stand in your way.”

The tips of my fingers feel so numb as my entire body shakes in fear. I want to reach out to him, but I’m too scared. I’ve faced so much rejection with Mal that I can’t find the courage to act on what I feel. I think of Zoya. Mal has already made it clear by his lustful glances that she’s more desirable than I can ever be. She’s been so loyal to the Darkling. Why would he ever give his heart to someone that even thought for a moment to run from him when he has someone so faithful at his side?

A part of me wants to fight for him though--wants to win his trust. I take another step forward and force myself to hold his gaze. “I want to help you. The king abuses his power. Let me help you. We can remove him from power..._together_.”

The Darkling steps forward and studies my features. “And, what do you plan to gain from all this, Alina? What do you want?”

My eyes flutter to the floor and my fingers knot themselves together. “I don’t want anything. I’m doing this because it’s right."

_ I’m doing this for Genya _, I almost say. But, I don’t want to involve her more than she already is. My knees are shaking as I force myself to look up to him. Tears flow freely down my cheeks. “Was any of it real to you? Or were you just using me?”

All I can think of is the many girls that Mal had chosen over me, and now I’m so afraid of the Darkling’s answer. Maybe I was stupid to fall in love with someone like him. Maybe I was stupid to believe that someone in this world found me desirable.

I take shallow breaths as he steps towards me. His hand brushes a strand of white hair from my eyes, and I’m reminded of who made my hair such a beautiful color. _ Genya. _

“I was using you,” he says.

I close my eyes as tears fall. The rejection stings worse than any time I saw Mal make eyes at other girls. I nod and mutter a small _ okay _ to reassure him that I respect him enough to accept that this is his answer. No matter how much I wish it weren't true. _No matter how much it hurts me._

“_At first_,” he emphasizes. “But, then I grew fond of you, Alina. It became something more.”

My entire body seems to go numb. I look up into his quartz grey eyes. There’s a good chance he’s manipulating me. I should know better than to trust him, but I want to believe him. So, I throw good sense out the window. I close the gap between us by digging my fingers into the cloth of his kefta and rest my head against his chest. I can hear my heartbeat as I’m overwhelmed with so many feelings. My breath is so quick. I want to believe him no matter how foolish it would be to do so.

“You’ll be a good king,” I reassure him despite knowing that I’m probably lying to myself. “I’ll do whatever it takes to help you.”

_ I love you. _The thought of it shocks me. I hadn’t thought I’d fallen so hard for him. I look up to him. I wish I could tell him, but I’m afraid he doesn’t feel the same way. His arms wrap around me as if to comfort me. He probably sees a desperate lovesick girl when he looks at me.

“Alina, what do you want?” he asks.

I raise my eyes to his. My breath catches in my throat. There’s so much I want to say, but it’s all trapped inside of me. My only experience with a man is my one-sided feelings for Mal. I’ve never had it in me to ask for what I want, because I’ve always known that what I want is simply unattainable. I search my mind for an answer until words finally come to me.

“Please just don’t leave me,” I say. 

The Darkling steps back from me and brushes my hair behind me before resting his hands on my shoulders. He studies me with that kind of look that Mal would so often give to girls I used to wish were me. 

“Hmm,” he makes a noise as a smile curves on his lips. “I am what you want then. You’re just too afraid to say it.”

I flinch at his words. His right hand tightens its grip on my shoulder as his left-hand touches under my chin so that I am forced to look upon him. The way his eyes seem to dance as he looks down on me makes me both afraid and excited. He flips me around so that my back is facing him. One arm wraps around my waist as the other brushes my hair aside to expose my neck. I shiver as he lays kisses on my neck. One hand cups my breast causing me to shiver underneath him. 

“Is this what you want, Alina?” he whispers into my ear.

It takes every ounce of courage I have within me, but I manage to nod and whisper _ yes_. 

The Darkling lets out a low laugh and says, “You don’t know what you’re asking for.”

His hands lower to the sash around my kefta, unfastening each button one by one. He slides the kefta off my shoulders, allowing the dark black material to pool around my feet. He tugs at my tunic underneath and I lift my arms so that he can pull the thin material over my head. He turns me around so I can face him before his lips seize mine. The Darkling’s kiss is full of power and control. He nips at my lower lip before forcing his tongue inside my mouth. I stand frozen in place as his tongue clashes against mine. _ This is happening. _ My mind can’t seem to process it all. It is all happening so fast that I can hardly manage to maintain any kind of focus. My world seems to spin around me as my hands latch onto the cloth of his kefka to find what little balance I have left.

When he breaks away from me, he cups both my cheeks in his hands. A smile curves on his lips as his gray eyes bore into mine. “Alina, Alina, Alina...whatever am I going to do with you?”

The Darkling looks down upon me. It’s only then that I realize that my underwear is the only thing between him and the rest of my body. His fingers slide inside the waistband and draw them down my legs. He rises to look upon my naked figure, his fingers cold against my naked skin as he touches the sides of my arms.

A half grin emerges on his lips as a hungry look flashes in his eyes. “You’re going to look so good on my cock, Alina.”

The Darkling turns me around so that my naked back is pressing against the smooth material of his kefta. I catch my naked reflection against his. His eyes seem to catch my gaze in the mirror. There’s a twisted grin on his lips as his fingers move up my legs. I flinch when his fingers touch between my legs. A gasp escapes me when one of his fingers slides inside of me. He adds a second finger. A rush seems to come over me when he brushes over this spot. I squirm in his grasp and he chuckles. He presses his fingers against that spot inside of me. I whimper and squirm. He tightens his grip and holds me in place.

“You should look at yourself, Alina.” 

I manage a glance in the mirror before I jerk my head away in embarrassment. He presses his thumb against my clit. I snap my eyes shut as my knees shake. His fingers move inside of me, stroking against the same spot that makes my head feel so light. My hands grip onto his arm wrapped tightly around me. Tears form in my eyes as the pressure builds within me.

“Saints,” I whisper. “Saints please…”

My legs tense as his fingers work against me. My knees feel so weak as a knot within me seems to build and build. I writhe in his grasp, but his hold on me does not falter. I’m close to this edge. I want to call out his name, but I don’t know what to call him. A tear slips down my cheek. I can’t think. I can barely breathe. My entire body feels as if it’s coming apart at the seams. I let out a sharp cry as a wave of pleasure crashes over me. My legs buckled underneath me, but he keeps me tightly in his grasp so that I do not fall forward.

My breath is so heavy and my head is so light. The Darkling lifts me off his feet and lays me on my bed. He climbs onto the bed and straddles me. His hands pull at the belt around his kefta, unfastening it and pulling it off in one swift motion. My eyes look upward at the canopy above me. Something is weighing me down. It’s the same kind of feeling I felt when I repressed my power. I want this, but I’m afraid at the same time. 

My eyes flicker up to see the Darkling shrugging out of his kefta. He pulls his black tunic over his head and tosses it to his side. I look up at him and heat burns in my cheeks. My hand touches his chest and flinches away in shame. He takes my hand in his as his smoky eyes stare down upon me. He releases my hand and unfastens the belt around his trousers. My entire body tenses when he parts my legs. A nervous panic seems to come over me when he crawls on top of me. 

The Darkling cups my cheek and stares into my eyes. He grins to himself and says. “_Hm_, I thought so, but I couldn’t be sure with that tracker friend of yours.”

_ Mal? _ What does he have anything to do with this? The only words I’m able to say in response is “I don’t understand.”

“You’ve never fucked before,” he states it as a fact rather than a question. That alone makes me feel incredibly insecure about my inexperience. “Are you afraid of me, Alina?”

I shake my head even though a part of me does fear him. His fingers reach between my legs, moving inside me as if to tease me. I jerk underneath him but the weight of his body holds me in place. My eyes flicker up to his as if to plead for him. He removes his fingers and tastes them. He leans forward and kisses me. I jerk underneath him when I feel the tip of his cock between my legs and break our kiss. I wrap my arms around his neck as if that alone can prepare me for what he is about to do to me.

When he thrust inside me, the shattering pain is overwhelming. My nails dig into his back as I cry out. I can feel tears forming in my eyes. My breath is heavy. He shushes me and places a kiss on my forehead. I imagine this might be the one gentle thing he’s ever done for me. 

His thrusts are slow at first as if to test how much I can take. I bite my lip. The pain is subsiding and the friction between us starts to build inside of me. He increases his thrusts and hisses, “Saints, you’re fucking tight.”

I rock my hips against him to meet his thrusts. The pain I once felt is now replaced by mounting pleasure. His fingers reach between us to circle my clit. I cry out underneath him. 

“Tell me what you want, Alina,” he says.

I shield my eyes to hide my shame. “I..._I don’t know_.”

He slows his thrusts as if to punish me. “_Oh? _ I think you do.”

“_I need…_” The rest of my words seem to disappear from me. I take in a sharp breath as if to catch myself. _Saints, he’s so cruel._

He leans close to me and whispers, “Say it.”

“I don’t know,” I whimper. “Just please don’t stop…”

He shifts me over so that I’m laying on my front. He thrusts back inside me. I move my hips against him, meeting each of his thrusts. 

“Beg for it, Alina,” he orders.

“Please,” I whisper.

“Please what?” he slows his thrusts again to tease me.

“Please fuck me,” I manage to say before burying my face into the pillow to hide my shame.

A laugh escapes him before his thrusts quicken. His hand finds my clit and circles it. I’m close to the edge again. I rock against him. I need this. I need _ him. _ My mind shatters as my entire body spasms. I collapse onto the bed as my whole world seems to blur. It all seems so surreal to me. I’d imagined this to be different when I used to think of what intimacy might feel like.

The Darkling turns me over to face him. He lies flat on top of me and looks into my eyes. A twisted smile forms on his lips. “It could have been different. You could be running from me right now, but I still would have caught you, my sweet sun summoner. You and I are going to do so much together.”

My mind processes his words. I think of the orphanage. I think of the times Mal rejected me for other girls. I think of all the times I felt so alone and I whisper, “Just don’t leave me..._please._”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I updated, yay!

When I wake up, it takes a moment for my vision to refocus. I expect it to be morning but when I look out my window the sky is still dark. I sit up and recognize I’m still naked. My first instinct is to grab a plush throw and wrap it around myself. I hear the Darkling’s rippling laughter. Heat burns in my cheeks. It takes every ounce of courage I have within myself to look up to him.

The Darkling is sitting fully clothed at a table with a book laid out in front of him. He motions for me to come toward him and says, “Come here, Alina.”

I keep the throw wrapped around my shoulders as I step toward the table. I sit across from the Darkling, keeping my eyes focused on the red liquid in the wine glass before me. I take the glass without thinking and down half of the bitter liquid. My shaking hands set the half empty glass back down on the table. I lay my hand flat on the table to stop it from shaking. I shouldn't be so nervous around him, but when I try to look up into his grey eyes, I can't help but be a little bit scared.

“What do you want me to do?” I finally ask. “I want to help you, but I don't know how."

The Darkling turns a book to me and I look upon a white stag. “I need you to come with me once we find it.”

I’ve heard enough about the stag to understand that it will amplify my power. I touch the page of the book and run my hand over the stag. Baghra had stated that he means to control me with its power. I close my eyes and draw in a deep breath for courage.

“You want the amplifier to control my power.” I open my eyes and glance into his gray eyes. “You want to control my power. That’s what your mother said.”

Silence falls on us. My hand reaches for the glass of wine. I take the glass by the stem and bring it to my lips. I swallow the rest of the bitter liquid. Maybe I should have run. _ No. _I did what was right. I have to be here to protect Genya. I clutch the blanket as if it can protect me.

“I don’t want to be enemies,” I whisper. 

“We aren’t,” he replies.

“You don’t trust me with my own power,” I say. “Do you think I’m going to betray you?”

The wine is starting to hit me. I set both my hands flat on the table and look up to him as if one glance will force an answer from him. When I look into his eyes, I know there is nothing in this world that could make me betray him. His hand covers one of my hands as if to reassure me. “That’s why you have to come with me. You can’t control the amplifier if you don’t kill the stag yourself.”

I release the tension and exhale a deep breath. A smile flickers across my lips. For a moment, I feared that I had given myself to a man that wishes to make me his slave. 

The Darkling reaches out with his free hand and takes both my hands in his. “You and I are going to change Ravka, Alina. I can show you so much.”

I tighten my hands around his. I should know better than to trust him, but I’ve made my choice. If I wanted to run, I would have when I still had the chance. The responsibility is such a heavy burden that running from it doesn’t seem like such a bad choice, but I also recognize that there are things that must change. If I flee, Alexander III will remain in power. Vasily is to succeed him, but while he might not be as horrible as his father, he seems to be negligent. Overthrowing the Lantsov line might be the only way for Ravka to move forward.

The Darkling intends to commit regicide, and here I am sitting across from him with the intention of helping him. We could both be tried for treason, and yet, I can’t help but follow him down this path. I’m suddenly so grateful that I do not have a family and that I’ve distanced myself from Mal. Coming from nothing makes this choice easier. No one I love or care for will be caught in the middle of my choices.

_ This is right, _ I tell myself. I cling to his hands as if he is my last lifeline. I wish I believed in myself as much as the Darkling seems to believe in me. I want to be strong like Ivan and Zoya seem. All my life I’ve felt like some timid girl. Maybe it’s because I’ve fought my power. Maybe if I embraced it, I would be so much stronger now.

“I want to be strong,” I say aloud.

“You can be,” he reassures.

“I don’t know how to be.” I hate how week I sound—how fragile I must look.

“Strength and confidence both come with experience,” the Darkling says. 

The Darkling releases my hands. I miss his touch immediately. My hands clutch at the plush throw around my shoulders. I often wonder what my life might have been like had my power never ignited. Maybe I would have repressed it forever. Maybe I would have stupidly waited for Mal to love me. I often remember how powerless I felt. I’ve grown into my power. I now know what it feels like to be valued. I want more now. So much more.

A life of mediocrity with Mal seems like a far off memory to me. Every time I try to force myself to want that life—to remember what I felt to love him—I don’t feel jealousy. I don’t even feel that pang of sorrow. I just feel nothing, and that scares me more than anything. Have I become nothing but a power-hungry social climber? I drop my gaze to my bare knees. I wish I felt more guilty, but I don’t. Why should I? Thousands of _ otkazat’sya _girls that would kill to sit where I'm sitting right now.

The desire inside me that wants to act—to do anything but be helpless—ignites like a raging fire. I gaze upon the Darkling and ask, “When do we leave?”

“As soon as my trackers pinpoint the stag’s whereabouts, we will leave,” he answers.

A weight seems to lift from me. This honesty between us is so much different than the riddles and mystery I was used to in the presence of the Darkling. 

The Darkling rises from where he sits and grabs my kefta from the floor. He lays my kefka across the table and says, "Get dressed."

I take the kefta off the table and go to my bed. I dress myself and slip my feet into a pair of slippers. I grab a brush from my nightstand and run it through my hair. If I’m to be seen with the Darkling, I must look presentable. I almost laugh at that thought. Genya must be rubbing off on me. 

_ Genya_. That’s who I’m doing this for. My smile fades. Where is she now? I shiver. I hope she’s in her chambers rather than with the king. I force away that thought and I set my brush down. There are a lot of questions I have, but one sticks out more than the rest. I want to address him by some kind of name rather than his title. I want to know his real name.

“Your name…” I pause. “You do have a given name, don’t you?”

The Darkling turns to face me. He studies my face, and for a moment, I’m afraid that I have slighted him for asking such a personal question. “Aleksander, but do not address me as such in the presence of others.”

I want to ask him why, but I stop myself. He has already told me more than I had expected him to. _ Aleksander_. It’s such a pretty name. He opens the door to my bedroom and beckons me to follow him. I step outside the room and flinch slightly when he takes his arm in his. Does he mean for people to see us like this? I imagine Zoya’s hateful stares. It would amuse Genya, but it scares me. I don’t want to make enemies here.

We walk through the Little Palace. I try to ignore the stares of curious Grisha as we walk out onto the grounds. My mind settles and finds a sliver of peace when we walk out onto the lake. I try to imagine myself alone on the road, sleeping in a hayloft. How long would I have survived? I’m not so sure, but I don’t think that I would have simply been able to disappear like Baghra had asked me.

The Darkling pulls me closer to him. I rest my head on his chest. _ Aleksander_. I wonder if that is his real name. He wouldn’t have told me to keep it a secret if it was a lie, would he? I lean into him, allowing my eyes to flutter shut. I shouldn’t feel peace, but there’s this odd feeling of safety I’ve never felt with anyone else. Maybe it’s the comfort that comes with power or maybe it’s that I finally feel like there’s someone in this world that understands me.

All the years of Ana Kuya’s switch and strict behavior could have been avoided had I embraced my power. I once thought fondly of my childhood memories, but maybe I had just viewed them with rose-colored glasses. I sacrificed life as a Grisha for so long because of Mal. It would seem that he doesn’t even care. I must be the biggest fool in Ravka.

“You should stay with me at night from now on,” the Darkling says. “It is not safe for you to sleep alone anymore.”

“You think that people will try to hurt me?” I ask.

“I don’t think it. I know it,” the Darkling says with confidence. 

I try to think of the Grisha around me. Zoya has been the only one that has used violence against me. Does he just mean her or are their others working against me? I try not to think of it all. Soon we will have the stag. I hope that it is enough to stop King Alexander III. I fear war, because I don’t want people to have to take up arms and die. 

_ But_, if that is the way to avenge Genya then so be it.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea where I'm going with this. I don't know if I should continue. I have ideas. I don't know.


End file.
